A reading from the Annals of the Cleftlands Kitchens:

Lo, in the ancient of days, before the sun burned hot in space, legends roamed an earth barren of even dirt, for dirt had not yet been invented. In those days, there was called to be, in the March of the Cleftlands, an Event. Many were invited, from all over the Known world, to attend this event, and many of them came. In preparation for the Event, the populace of the Cleftlands, as yet new to the practices of hospitality, searched their minds as to how to make these many guests welcome. For them they planned tourney, and dances and other entertainments, and they planned a Feast.

In the absence of dirt, and all those things that accompany dirt, such as well-equipped home kitchens, chest freezers, and the like, the populace chose to ask the great and noble feast man, Pickle Bill of the Lake, to provide provender for this feast. And when Pickle Bill asked of them “For how many?” they were wracked with confusion, for pre-registration was a science as yet unknown to them. When he asked again, “For how many?” they considered greatly the events they had attended elsewhere, and their own feelings, then reached beneath their waistbands, and provided to him ‘The First Number.”

On the day of the event, there was great enjoyment. Person after person arrived and greeted the Gate Guard of the Event with the request “Site and feast, please.” And the Gate Guard was delighted to greet them, to take their funds, and grant them entry. The halls of the Cleftlands swelled with the multitudes of the guests. But danger loomed, for as yet the Gate Guard did not know the great truth of ‘The First Number.’

Then the time came to be when the multitudes, replete with activities and tourney and other recreations, came to the Feast Hall to rest and recover themselves at the groaning side board. And as the cooks looked upon the multitudes, their eyes widened, and they took to counting heads, and mouths, and stomachs, whereupon was discovered ‘The Second Number.”

These cooks then compared the First Number to the Second Number. And then they looked at the salmon, and peas, and the other foods provided by Pickle Bill of the Lake. And then there was groaning indeed, not from the sideboard, but from the kitchen, as they discovered that the Second Number was, by far, the greater Number.

They divided the fish, and the peas, and the other provender among the guests, and invited them to eat. But these loaves and fishes did not increase themselves to satisfy the guests of the Cleftlands, and many among the guests that day left the Cleftlands saying “Great event, but could we stop at McDonalds on the way home?”

The heads of the populace hung low with shame until a few among them took council, then came to swear a mighty oath: “With the Dragon as our witness, they shall never go hungry again!” And when this great vow was heard, the River Cuyahoga itself burst into flame to provide them cooking firs, and the mighty stacks of the mills of Mordor’s Steelyard obscured the sun with smoke to make them knives and pots.

That day was born the Guild of Cleftlands Cooks, and those mighty cooks said “We shall learn and teach so that we may feed our own and our guests until they groan with repletion and beg for mercy!” Down the ages of the Cleftlands, the Cleftlands Cooks Guild, in all its forms and guises, have continued to teach the great lessons of the Guild: saying “Many hands make for light work,” And also they share the mysteries and secrets of the Guild, which shall remain forever unknown to those who do not enter the kitchens of the Cleftlands, such as why one would nym an ayren, and what is squirret.

Today’s feast is a remembrance of the past of the Guild, a journey from the early days of simpler stews, through the saffron rice of a later age, and into our more current history. We hope you enjoy it, and that you will leave groaning.